Educating AJ
by Red Witch
Summary: With the teacher's strike going on, the Figgis Agency takes it upon themselves to teach AJ. They never learn. Unless Mallory teaches them a thing or two.


** AJ must have the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. How would the Figgis Agency deal with a teacher's strike? Let's find out, shall we? **

**Educating AJ**

"All right Figgis Agency," Cyril clapped his hands together as he met with the majority of his staff in the bullpen. "It's time for another day of hard work and…And who am I **kidding?**"

"I know, right?" Pam snorted as she ate a bearclaw.

"Look we need to do something productive today," Cyril sighed. "Lana told me that Ms. Archer was going to show up later today."

"Will she be **sober?**" Ray asked.

"It's Ms. Archer," Pam looked at him. "What do you **think?**"

"I know **that!**" Ray snapped. "I mean what **level** are we talking about here? Are we talking about a simple Stage One where she's had only a couple of cocktails? Or are we talking a Code Purple when she's plastered on the Lemons again?"

"She has been yo-yoing through the stages a lot lately," Cheryl admitted.

"We should rename the Lemon incidents the Mellow Yellows," Pam nodded.

"If she gets any more mellow during those incidents, we'd have to reclassify her as a vegetable," Ray quipped. "Seriously that woman could get some serious brain damage if she keeps taking those pills."

"What makes you so sure she isn't **already** brain damaged?" Cheryl scoffed.

Krieger paused. "It is an actual possibility. I mean with the increased amount of odd chemicals in her body lately."

Cyril snapped. "Well I am more concerned with the possibility of doing some **actual** **work** today! Hang on. Where's Lana?"

"Maybe she's off to warn the rest of the villagers that Franken-Mallory is on the loose?" Ray quipped.

"It thought we were calling her Bitch-Enstein?" Cheryl asked. "Wait since Frankenstein was the scientist not the monster would the proper term be Monster of Bitch-Enstein?"

"How about everybody not swearing so much today?" Lana groaned as she walked in carrying AJ. "I know it's a long shot but still…"

"Hey! AJ!" Pam whooped. "AJ in the house!"

"What is **she **doing here?" Cheryl narrowed her eyes at AJ. **"Again?" **

"Teacher's strike, Cheryl," Lana said as she put AJ down. "Remember?"

_"Still?"_ Cheryl was stunned. "Oh my god! Teachers must have the easiest job **ever!"**

"Somehow I don't think **your **teachers did," Pam looked at her.

"I had nothing to do with those murder-suicides and everybody **knows** it!" Cheryl snapped. "I wasn't even in Miss Naveen's class when she decided to jump out the window after biting the vice principal's ear off! She was **never** my teacher! She was in the advanced classes!"

"Really?" Ray drawled. "I would think you would fit right into that class."

"Okay maybe I had a hand in one or two minor breakdowns?" Cheryl admitted. "And that one teacher who quit the school to go join a paramilitary vigilante group. But she was halfway to that decision before I even stepped into her classroom."

"I am regretting my decision to choose food over day care," Lana groaned.

"Wait," Ray asked. "I thought that County Day was only temporarily supporting the Public Teacher's strike."

"They were," Lana said. "Until they decided to go on strike for more money and benefits for themselves."

"Isn't the regular teacher's strike over?" Pam asked.

"It is," Lana said. "But County Day is still going on. Which means I have to decide whether to either pay for day care or food. I chose food."

"Smart choice," Pam said.

"You would agree on that," Cheryl grumbled. "Great! Now we're going to have baby germs all day!"

"AJ is a toddler," Pam said.

"Fine we get toddler germs," Cheryl grumbled. "Why do bad things always happen to **me**?"

Lana glared at her. "It must be such a burden to be a single rich white woman."

"It **is!**" Cheryl said. "Thank you for **getting** it!"

"I would love her to **get it,"** Lana grumbled.

"Me too," Cyril sighed. "I guess it's fine if AJ stays here today."

"Not like she hasn't done it several times before," Pam pointed out.

"And she is more emotionally mature than **some people** here," Cyril looked at Cheryl. "And the only cases we have are cases of alcohol."

"So why don't we make this day educational?" Ray asked. "We can take her to the zoo or something?"

"Ron has taken her to the zoo twice already," Lana pointed out. "I mean AJ loves it but I want to do something different."

"Now when you say the zoo…?" Pam spoke up.

"I mean the **actual zoo**," Lana said. "Not the racetrack. At least this time. AJ showed me what she got at the gift shop."

"We could go to other places that have a gift shop!" Pam realized.

"There is a children's museum we could go to," Lana paused as she saw AJ happily run around the office. "Or a science museum or something?"

"Haven't you learned by now that this group and field trips are **not** a good combination?" Cyril asked.

"I know Cyril but…" Lana sighed. "I don't want AJ to slip on her education!"

"Oh, AJ will get an education all right," Cyril moaned. "If this will be anything like our other adventures, she'll learn how the legal system works!"

"Then maybe we should stay in?" Ray suggested. "We could watch some educational videos."

"I think AJ has seen **enough** of those," Lana groaned. "And honestly so have I."

"I've got it!" Pam said. "Art classes! You know how they have these fancy art schools for little kids now?"

"I can't afford that," Lana said.

"You don't need to!" Pam shook her head. "We'll have an art class here!"

"You people have no class period," Krieger quipped. "Zing!"

"That's not a bad idea though," Ray spoke up. "Remember when we tried to break into the art world?"

"I remember we practically broke the art world," Cyril groaned.

"AJ was the only one of us who actually got her painting sold," Ray went on.

"To be fair," Pam spoke up. "That's because most of our other paintings were destroyed in the fire." She glared at Cheryl.

"What?" Cheryl blinked.

"I guess it couldn't hurt for AJ to draw for a day," Lana realized.

"Not just draw," Pam said. "There are tons of preschool art projects we can do! I just have to go online to find some fun ones."

"I guess that could work," Lana said as Pam went to look on her laptop.

"Why not?" Cyril sighed. "What harm could it do?"

Later that afternoon…

"What fresh Hell is **this?**" Mallory was stunned as she walked in.

The entire bullpen was covered in spatters of paint, crayon and chalk. There were pictures on the walls. Some of them on paper. Some drawn directly on the walls. There were tie-dyed T-shirts everywhere as well as several art supplies scattered all over the place. As well as several art projects.

AJ was happily drawing on the floor with Lana and Ray. Krieger was finishing up another tie-dye shirt. Pam was working on a scrapbook. Cyril was cutting out something. And Cheryl was drawing a cat on the walls using chalk.

"_Seriously?"_ Mallory shouted.

"Hey! Ms. Archer!" Pam grinned. "How's it going?"

"Down a banister covered in razor blades!" Mallory snapped. "What are you people **doing?**"

"You wanted us to work," Ray looked around. "We worked."

"At making a mess! It looks like a preschool threw up in here," Mallory was stunned. "What did you idiots do **this time?"**

"We're having an art class," Krieger said.

"You people have **no class** period!" Mallory snapped.

"I already did that joke," Krieger pointed out.

"Gammy!" AJ cheered as she held something in her hands. "I made things!"

"Grandmother," Mallory corrected with a sigh. "And I see you made things. You made a mess."

"Besides that," Pam waved. "We made clothespin dolls…"

"Good," Mallory winced when she saw them on the table. "Cheap toys for my granddaughter. Yeah that _won't_ scream poverty to the neighbor kids when they see them."

"We did chalk drawings," Lana showed Mallory. "Some of them on paper."

"And the walls," Mallory looked around and winced. "You know I wondered why there were drawings all over the sidewalk to our building. And on the sides of the building."

"Think of it as beautifying the neighborhood," Pam grinned.

"I think our neighbors would call it vandalism," Mallory groaned.

"We made bookmarks," Cyril showed Mallory. "And some collages."

"By cutting up books!" Cheryl giggled as she waved a cut out children's book.

"Well that would save you from **reading them**," Mallory said acidly.

"We made some tie-dyed sun catchers," Pam added. "And tie-dyed T-Shirts."

"Just what my granddaughter needs," Mallory groaned. "Practice for becoming a hippie."

"And we made some bath salts," Ray added.

"Making bath salts is a **thing?**" Mallory asked.

"Apparently," Lana shrugged.

"Gamma," AJ handed Mallory something. "I made this."

"What is it?" Mallory blinked as she took it.

"It's a paperweight," Lana explained. "We made them too."

"It looks like a rock covered in acrylic paint," Mallory blinked.

"It **is** a rock covered in acrylic paint," Lana admitted. "It was an easy craft for her okay?"

"And the rest of us," Ray admitted.

"We've decided we're going to try and sell some of these on Venice Beach," Pam said. "As well as the tie-dyed T-shirts and bath salts."

"Of course you are," Mallory groaned. "Well at least my granddaughter is learning a skill on how to make money. Not much money…"

"Mallory," Lana's voice warned. "What do we say to AJ when she gives us something?"

"But it's a rock," Mallory protested.

"Mallory!" Lana barked.

"Very well," Mallory sighed. She looked at AJ. "Thank you, AJ."

"YAY!" AJ giggled as she hugged Mallory.

"Dear you're getting paint all over Grandmother's dress!" Mallory snapped. "Damn it!"

"Mallory," Lana pulled AJ away.

"It will wash right out," Pam waved. "I think…"

"Well," Mallory sighed as she put the paperweight down on a table. "The next time I decide to go throw rocks at someone at least I can make it fashionable by decorating them."

"I made a scrap book of what we did today!" Pam showed Mallory. "I took lots of pictures and put some of the crafts in here."

"Good," Mallory glared at her. "You can use that instead of a resume when you go to the unemployment office."

"He, he, he…" Cheryl giggled as she took the chalk and drew on her face.

"Cheryl is a little strung out on the bath salts," Cyril explained. "Apparently you can sniff them."

"Don't sniff bath salts," AJ said. "That's bad."

"See?" Pam pointed. "She learned something. Today **was** educational!"

"I agree," Krieger said. "Tomorrow we will do science!"

"We could make a volcano," Ray suggested.

"Not a real one, right?" Cyril asked.

"YAY!" Cheryl cheered. "We get to **blow things up**!"

"YAAAAAYYY!" AJ cheered.

"Ohhhh no," Mallory growled. **"No!** There is no way in hell I am letting you morons try to teach my granddaughter to be **one of you**! No! This has gone on **long enough**!"

"What are you gonna do Ms. Archer?" Pam asked. "End the strike yourself?"

"If that's what it takes! YES!" Mallory snapped.

"_Seriously?"_ Everyone else asked.

"Lana, Pam, Krieger, Gillette!" Mallory snapped. "Come with me! Cyril…Just clean up and watch a movie with AJ! One of those educational things and not a porno! You **can** do that can you?"

"Yes but…" Cyril began.

"No buts you ass!" Mallory snarled. "Just do it!"

"Hang on," Cyril spoke up. "What are **you **going to do?"

"This strike won't end unless there are some serious negotiations," Mallory said. "Which is my specialty."

"Hang on," Lana was stunned. "You're going to go to the school board and the teachers…And end the strike at County Day?"

"That's right," Mallory said.

"Just walk right up to them and get them to end the strike?" Lana was confused. "Seriously? How…?"

"Lana you forget," Mallory said. "I was a spymaster for many years. I know how to negotiate. Hell, I once got the FBI and the CIA to have a pool party at a mob boss' house. In Columbia. That was an interesting weekend. Anyway, if I can make that happen with very little gunfire and almost no bloodshed, I think I can negotiate a mere teacher's strike!"

"How are you going to negotiate the end of a strike?" Lana asked. "It's not like when you were a spy and could make a deal with the CIA!"

"I know," Mallory said. "This should be much easier."

"I'm still confused," Lana said.

"You're not the only one," Ray said.

"That's because you're not a master negotiator like myself," Mallory grinned. "Rule Number One, always go into a meeting well prepared."

"He, he, he…" Cheryl giggled and drew some more on the walls with the chalk.

"Carol just…" Mallory sighed. "Try not to die…God! Now I know how a preschool teacher feels!" She left the room with the others.

"What do you think she is going to do?" Cheryl asked. "Not that I really care…"

"I don't know," Cyril moaned. "But odds are it's not going to be good."

"Yuuup," AJ nodded.

Two nights later…

"Oh, this is bad," Ray groaned. "Really bad."

"Yuuuup," Lana groaned. They were both carrying guns.

"Oh, quit your bellyaching," Mallory shrugged as she took a sip from a glass of scotch. "You both sound like Cyril. It will be fine."

"I don't know about this Mallory," Lana groaned.

"Yeah this is ballsy even for **you!"** Pam agreed. She was holding a gun in her hand.

"And if this goes wrong…" Lana said.

"It **won't,"** Mallory said as she took her gun from her purse. "Just let me do most of the talking. And follow my lead. They're starting to wake up."

"And that's how AJ's mommy ended up in prison," Lana groaned. "Again…"

"Nobody is going to jail," Mallory snapped. "I've done this at least a half dozen times. Just follow my lead."

They were in a conference room where two groups of people on the opposite sides of a large rectangular table were sitting at. "What…the?" One man was stunned. "Where are we?"

"We're in the conference room where we…" Another man then noticed that one of his hands was shackled to the chair he was sitting at. "HEY!"

"We wanted to make sure you all stayed for this," Mallory said sweetly. "That's why we drugged all of you. So we could put the shackles on. Don't worry, they'll come off right after you all sign the contract."

"The hell we will!" A woman snapped. "AAHH!" She recoiled when Pam pointed her gun at her.

"Never say never bitch," Pam grinned. "Don't bother screaming. This room is at one of the Tunt hotels. They're used to that."

"This is insane!" A man gasped.

"This is pretty much par for the course for this group," Ray admitted with a shrug.

"I don't see what the problem is," Mallory said. "You all want to stop the strike, don't you? Some people are never happy!"

"You just drugged and kidnapped the entire teacher's union and school administration of County Day," Lana said. "Of course, they're not going to be happy!"

"For the record," Ray gulped. "This was **not **our idea."

"We're really sorry about this," Pam said.

"She made us," Ray pointed at Mallory.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," Mallory said calmly. "My name is Mallory Archer. My granddaughter goes to County Day. And if you think I'm going to let my hard-earned money for her education go to waste while you socialist and bureaucratic assholes pussyfoot around, you have another think coming!"

"Now see here…" The School Superintendent barked. Then Mallory casually showed her weapon. "Oh boy…"

"This is how this is going to work," Mallory pointed her weapon. "You teachers will give your demands. You administrators will agree to **some **of them. Or a limited version. You won't get everything but you will get **something**. Not to mention the fact you won't get some extra medical bills. Bullet removal can be such a bitch on your wallet."

"Are you threatening us with _violence_?" The Superintendent gasped.

"The gun wasn't **a clue?"** Pam asked.

"You lot have one hour to finish this strike and get back to work or I start blowing up some kneecaps!" Mallory snarled. "And trust me, I will do it."

"She will," Lana said.

"She shot her own son several times," Pam nodded. "And tried to get me killed."

"And me," Ray said.

"Me too," Krieger added.

"You can't **do** this!" A female teacher snapped. "We have rights!"

"Tell it to the Supreme Court," Mallory snarled.

"To be fair," Lana said. "We're paying a lot of money for my daughter to go to school."

"_We?"_ Mallory asked.

"And with all the days you people already take off," Lana said. "I don't think we're getting our money's worth. I know there are some changes that need to be made."

"Like better qualified teaching assistants so that there aren't any more Lauries," Mallory spoke up. "I agree with **that one**!"

"That's one you should **definitely** agree on," Ray added.

"See? We've agreed to something already," Mallory said brightly.

"You can't force us to agree to demands!" The School Superintendent snapped. "This is kidnapping! I'll call the police! And everybody here will back me up!"

"Oh, I don't think any of you are going to say anything," Mallory said sweetly. "Because if the police get involved, I may have to tell them what I know about a few little things. Some interesting tidbits we discovered while we did some background checks on you lot."

"Nice to see I'm not the only one who couldn't get into Grenada," Krieger spoke up. "Dr. Smith. Dr. Bellows. Dr. Versine."

"You should form a club," Pam said. "Of people who pretend they're doctors even though they're **not!**"

"There are a lot more fake doctors than I realized," Mallory grinned. "Okay a fake doctorate of education is a lot less damaging than a **real **doctorate but still…"

"And **you,"** Lana pointed to a teacher. "You don't even have a teaching certification, much less a Master's of Education!"

"Then again neither does this guy," Ray pointed to a member of the board.

"You used to be a stripper," Pam pointed to another teacher.

"You **married** a stripper," Lana pointed to a board member.

"You married your fifteen-year-old cousin," Ray pointed to a board member. "Even I think that's hillbilly behavior."

"And then you dumped her two years later for your second wife," Pam added. "Who was not that much older. And is currently working at the Hot Pants Dance Club in Vegas. Technically you're still legally married to her."

"WHAT?" A female board member and a female teacher shouted at the same time.

"Richard…" The female teacher growled.

"Valentine…" The female board member snarled.

"How could you lie to me?" The women shouted. Then they looked at each other. "To **you**? Wait a minute…?"

"Oh yeah," Pam said. "Valentine over here is sleeping with **both** of you. And one of the lunch ladies."

"WHAT?" The two women glared at Valentine.

"Speaking of lunch programs," Lana spoke up as she held some papers. "I was shocked to find out how old some of the food you've been serving is. Look at this, strawberries with mold on it scraped off? Lettuce practically wilted? Meat that wasn't good enough to be put in **dog** **food?**"

"If I were you Lana, I would make AJ brown bag it from now on," Ray said.

"I am!" Lana snapped.

"That's Valentine!" A board member shouted. "He's the one in charge of the food lunch programs!"

"Probably skimming the profits off the top," Lana said. "If these papers are anything to go by. I'm not an accountant…"

"But she used to date one," Pam spoke up. "Who will definitely find anything fishy about these accounts."

"You don't want to know what they serve for fish," Lana groaned.

"With the money I've been paying I would expect you feed those children on silver platters!" Mallory fumed.

"How do you **know** all this?" A male board member shouted.

"It's amazing what you can find online nowadays," Krieger said.

"It really is," Ray admitted.

"Marriage certificates," Krieger listed. "Public records. Arrest records. Name changes. And interestingly enough…At least three sex changes."

"One of which is someone in this room," Lana said cheerfully. "We've decided to let you all figure it out among yourselves later."

"It will be a fun little mystery for you to play with. Here's a hint," Mallory said. "It's not Valentine. But odds are pretty good he's slept with someone who has different genitals than what they were born with."

"Wait, **what?"** Valentine did a double take.

"We found a lot of interesting dirt on most of you," Ray grinned. "Including a rare video clip of a certain teacher's convention five years ago at the Palm Springs Hotel."

"You have **that**?" A teacher gasped.

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger grinned. "Funny story. The guy who took that video is a friend of a friend of mine. He always keeps copies of his more interesting videos."

"It's the lunch lady isn't it?" Valentine called out. "I **knew** that was an Adam's apple!"

"That same friend also has some interesting footage of what happened at a certain Jell-O-Wrestling event in Arizona," Krieger grinned. "That was a fun weekend you had with the lunch money huh Valentine?"

"Oh God…" Valentine moaned.

"So what if you have a few incriminating tidbits?" A female teacher challenged. "Everybody knows Valentine's a pervert anyway. I know my record is clean. You didn't find anything on **me!** You can't blackmail all of us!"

"They can blackmail **enough** of us!" A male teacher snapped.

"Plus, don't forget we have proof of the school's lunch scandal," Lana said. "And considering the checkered past of County Day with Richard Ivy Stratton…And the faulty fire alarms. As well as…"

"We **get it**," The Superintendent groaned. "Our school has already been downgraded once. We can't afford to slip even further. Fine. We agree to not press charges. And to…Allow you to help us negotiate."

"It is important for us to put aside our differences and come to an agreement," A male teacher coughed. "For the children."

"Exactly. I thought you would see reason," Mallory grinned with a smile a shark has before it eats a fish. "Lana is going to write down the contract we agree on. And you are going to sign it. And then pretend this never happened."

"If I were** you,** I would resign and move out of town," Ray pointed to Valentine. "Tonight!"

"I am willing to agree to that condition," A board member spoke up.

"Me too," A teacher spoke up.

"And us," The female board member and teacher Valentine was sleeping with agreed.

"All those in favor of removing Valentine immediately from County Day?" The Superintendent asked. Everyone but Valentine held up their hands. "Opposed?"

"Me?" Valentine held up his hand.

"Motion carries," The Superintendent nodded. "Valentine your ass is **out** of here."

"Good riddance!" A male teacher called out.

"This meeting is productive already," A female teacher spoke up.

"I got what I wanted," Another female teacher nodded.

"Me too," A male board member agreed. "And we also agree on more qualified teaching assistants."

"We don't need another Laurie," A female teacher groaned.

"We all agree on that," Mallory nodded. "Got it Lana?"

"Oh yeah," Lana went to a computer and started typing. "I have the basic contract form in here. I just have to add some clauses and start typing. Now about teacher's salaries…"

"I know you want a twenty percent raise," Mallory said. "How about ten?"

"No!" A teacher snapped. "We need that money!"

"How about fifteen?" Ray asked. "And we all let you take turns beating the shit out of Valentine over here?"

"WHAT?" Valentine shouted.

"Can we use weapons?" A female teacher asked.

"No, fists and feet only," Ray shrugged. "But some of you have some really sharp heels. And big purses."

"We'll allow purses," Mallory nodded. "If you agree to twelve percent. And a five-minute limit on beatings per person."

"Some of us don't have purses," A male board member snapped.

"I have a big ass purse that you can borrow," A female teacher said.

"Oh, well in that case…" The male board member shrugged.

"And you can hit him in the crotch," Mallory grinned. "Like so. Pam."

Pam hit Valentine in the crotch. Valentine cried out and he fell down, chair and all. "OWWW!"

"Deal," The head of the teacher's union said.

"Deal," The Superintendent agreed.

"Twelve percent it is," Lana typed it in. "I'll just put in exchange for minor perks and privileges on the form."

"Good, good," Mallory nodded. "Anything else?"

"Well," A male teacher spoke up. "I would like to see a change in the vending machines."

"Of course you would," Mallory groaned.

"We were planning on changing them anyway," The Superintendent shrugged.

"Changing vending machines," Lana wrote. "I think that's it."

"Are we good?" Mallory asked.

"We will be once we beat up Valentine," The teacher who was dating Valentine remarked.

"Okay," Lana printed up the agreement. "We're good to go."

"We'll let you out of the handcuffs so you can sign the agreement," Mallory said. "Then you can beat up Valentine."

"I volunteer to go first," The female board member spoke up.

"So do I!" The female teacher snapped.

"Okay you two can go first," Mallory motioned.

Pam and Ray released them. They signed the treaty. Then they started to wail on Valentine.

"OWW! OWWWW! OWWWW OH MOMMA!" Valentine screamed.

"Well I think this has been a very productive negotiation, don't you think?" Mallory said cheerfully as the Superintendent signed the treaty.

"AAAHHH! OWWWW! OWW!"

"Krieger make sure you time them so they get five minutes," Mallory ordered. "That way everyone has a turn."

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded as he took out a stopwatch.

"OWWWW! OOOWW! OOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!"

"I have to admit as unorthodox as your methods were," The Superintendent sighed as he moved aside to let other people sign. "They got results."

"They usually do," Mallory nodded.

"I feel bad about all this," Lana said. "I'm sorry we had to go to such drastic measures."

"Eh," The Superintendent shrugged as he watched Valentine get beaten up. "Perhaps this was for the best? At least I'm getting rid of Valentine."

"How about after this we have some drinks?" Mallory suggested. "We'll pay."

"You're offering to pay?" Ray was stunned. "That's not like you."

"It's the least we can do," Mallory waved.

"The **very **least," Lana was stunned.

"You still have that tab at Happenings, right?" Mallory asked Pam and the others.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded.

"**There** it is," Ray snorted.

"OWWWWW!"

"Valentine getting beaten up and getting free drinks on top of settling the strike," The Superintendent thought. "I've had worse nights."

"So we're good?" Mallory asked.

"OWWWW!"

"Yeah we're good," The Superintendent nodded. "I think it's my turn." He moved away to the line forming up to beat Valentine.

"And **that** everyone is how you end a teacher's strike," Mallory said to the others. "Or negotiate the end of a city-wide mob war. Or get a peace treaty signed between two smaller rivaling clans. Or get two stubborn bitches on the PTA to stop fighting. It applies to a lot of situations."

"OWWWW!"

"AJ isn't the only one that's learning new things this week," Pam grinned.

"OWWWW!"

"Valentine's learning a lot the hard way," Ray quipped. "Phrasing."


End file.
